The focus of chapter two was the proper initiation of a first date. Assuming the first date goes well enough to merit a second one, where should the relationship go from there? The focus of chapter three will be on developing, maintaining and defining a healthy relationship that, hopefully, matures into something more.
Once a second date is agreed to, there are five basic principles that should govern the first phase of the dating relationship (the first 5-6 dates or so) in order for it to grow in a healthy direction and at a healthy pace.
Principle #1: The Approach Should Remain the Same
Whether the man is asking for date #1 or date #10, his approach should always remain the same (see chapter 2.4 ): he should have a plan in mind before he asks, he should ask at least 3-4 days in advance, he uses good eye contact, he should pay her a compliment, and he should be sure to use the word ‘date’ in his asking. He must resist using the back-door (see chapter 2.2).
The same remains true for the woman (see chapter 2.5): she should play a little hard-to-get, she should be flattered by the ask and thank the man for asking, and, unless her feelings have changed, she should say yes. She must also remember not to allow boys in through the back door (see chapter 2.3).
So, whether it is the first date or the 10th date, the approach remains the same.
Principle #2: Avoid the Feelings of Ownership
The approach remains the same because neither the man nor the woman belong to each other. Even after a few months of dating she is not “his” nor is he “hers”. Neither the man nor the woman should have a right (or any sort of entitlement) to the other person because they have not entered into any sort of formal commitment to one another.
The temptation to possess another person is strong because our fears of loneliness, rejection, and insignificance are substantial. Dating relationships seem to quench these fears initially, but ultimately they flare back up when we are not certain the other person will want us much longer. Thus, we work harder and harder at possessing & keeping the other person rather than dating them.
Principle #3: Don’t Waste Time
Even though the process of developing a relationship should be taken relatively slowly, neither the man nor the woman should waste time by not being intentional with the dates they have together. Instead of the first six dates being variations on a theme of dinner & a movie, there should be a wider variety of experiences that aren’t just designed to entertain or impress, but also to help both the man and the woman learn more about each other (and, ever-so-gently, to create moments of romance here and there).
Principle #4: Don’t Become Isolated
One of the easiest things for a new couple to start doing early on in a dating relationship – especially if they are both very fond of each other – is to begin spending all of their free time with each other (especially if the have given in to the temptations of ownership in #2). As time passes, the man and the woman find themselves spending less and less time with friends and more and more time with each other until eventually they are alone together all the time. If anything else unhealthy crops up in the relationship (which becomes more likely the more isolated the couple becomes) no one will be there to observe it or help if the situation worsens.
The man and the woman should not only protect time to spend with friends apart from one another, they should also plan to date in front of their friends and family. Double dates, group dates, hanging with large groups of friends are all healthy ways to not become isolated.
Principle #5: Don’t Initiate Physical Intimacy
At the risk of sounding prudish, it has become my strong opinion that a couple in this first phase of dating should avoid intimate physical contact altogether (even hugs and hand-holding). The abstaining of physical contact between the man and the woman should not be perceived as prude, however. There is a time and a place for physical intimacy – just not within the first 5-6 dates (even if the couple has known each other well before dating).
If the man or woman cannot go 5-6 dates without initiating intimate physical contact with the other person, that should be a significant indicator to both parties that he/she is more interested in using the other person for physical self-gratification than building a healthy relationship.
This first phase of the dating relationship should last somewhere between 5-6 dates over the course of 2-3 months. By the time the 7th date comes around or the end of the third month (whichever comes first), it’s time for the man to define the relationship. We’ll cover that topic in chapter 3.2.
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Do you agree or disagree with these principles?
Do you think that abstinence from physical intimacy (hugging, holding hands, kissing) is really all that necessary?
10 comments
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January 6, 2019 at 11:48 AM
Glorie
The holding hands and kissing is a good thing to do. My current date asked me if it was ok to hold my hand on our first date and asked me if it was ok to kiss me on our second and third date.
January 17, 2012 at 11:12 AM
grover
Yes. I agree with the whole bloody chapter, as I just blew it regarding ownership and dating (was shown the back door, though I tried the front, got comfy there, and then was rebuked for thinking I had a right to be there and counting on a spot on the recliner). At least the no physical contact advice was followed and it does help.
August 25, 2011 at 3:03 PM
Chassidy Rogers
John and I didn’t wait any set amount of time before holding hands or kissing, and although God has been very faithful and gracious in giving us a wonderful marriage and sweet friendship, both of us would agree that we would have addressed the physical aspect of our dating and engagement differently. We will definitely encourage our children to take a different approach than we did in regards to that! We are grateful that the Lord protected us from a lot that could have happened, but both know from prior relationships the detriment that acting too quickly on physical attraction can be to a relationship. It often causes it to become too serious too quickly, and (in our experience) always caused a more painful, drawn-out and broken ending.
July 18, 2011 at 6:05 PM
mrspilgreen
Matt, my husband and I dated long-distance throughout our dating relationship and three months into our engagement. These principles can definitely be applied to long-distance relationships. Only seeing each other about once a month or so definitely allowed for Lee to plan out the dates well, for us to not waste time getting to know each other…communication was a huge factor of our relationship since it was mostly all we had, and for us to approach the physical intimacy at the right time. However, we did have to be careful with not becoming too isolated once we were finally living in the same city. We were engaged by that point, but I still think it was an adjustment for both of us to find balance in this new part of our relationship. Do you think you’ll touch on long-distance relationships at all throughout this?
July 18, 2011 at 6:09 PM
Lindsey Pilgreen
Sorry, not sure why it posted my name the way it did…
July 19, 2011 at 12:37 AM
Matt Lantz
Lindsey, thanks for your thoughts and for thinking about applying them to long distance relationships as well. That’s good to know!
I had not thought about addressing long-distance relationships in particular, but now that you mention it, it might be worth an entry in the appendix – so I’ll add it to my list!
July 17, 2011 at 11:12 PM
Allison Quick
One of the best things Jon ever did for me in our dating relationship was to NOT kiss me until we got engaged. And not only had Jon not kissed me, he had not kissed any girl before me-what a treasure this was (and is) to me. I often tell people that the lack of physical intimacy and his creative dates that encouraged good conversations (we didn’t go on a date to see a movie until five months into engagement) are what allowed us to only need to date for 12 weeks before we got engaged!
July 18, 2011 at 5:31 PM
Matt Lantz
Allison, thank you for sharing this! It’s a great illustration that it is actually possibleto have a happy and healthy relationship that is founded on more than physical self-gratification. It’s a choice we all must make, however. It will not be made for us.
July 14, 2011 at 2:14 PM
Ginger Ciminello
I just sat down and finally read EVERY entry over lunch today – and I am so glad I did! I’m excited to have a resource to share with my girls. GREAT insight – so many quotables… looking forward to reading more.
July 14, 2011 at 4:08 PM
Matt Lantz
Thanks, Ginger! Glad to know it will be a useful resource.