As discussed in chapter 2.2, the biggest mistake boys make when it comes to dating is to sneak into the relationship because they are afraid of rejection, too lazy to pursue a woman the proper way, or are just plain ignorant of how to do it at all. These guys are called ‘back-door-boys’ because instead of asking permission to enter the house, these boys sneak around back, walk through the open door, and make themselves right at home.

And what about the woman’s role in all of this? How does she respond when she walks into her living room to discover a back-door-boy has let himself into her home? Call the cops? Scream for help? Kick him in the groin and roll him out the front door?

No. She makes him feel right at home too.

If boys use the back door because they are afraid, lazy or ignorant, women allow boys to use the back door for the same reasons. Some women are afraid that their odds of getting married are so low that they will make it as easy as possible for a boy to find his way in the house. Women who are lazy take advantage (for a variety of reasons) of boys who don’t know better than to use the back door. And, finally, there are women who have just never been taught that the best policy to have with the back door of their home is to keep it closed and locked – even if the man of her dreams comes knocking.

Ladies, if the man of your dreams is sneaking in through the back door, I don’t care how long you’ve been waiting or how sexy he might be, he is not the man of your dreams.

Remember, the method determines the message. Men must make a choice about how they will approach a woman. Whatever approach a man chooses should tell the woman much about the kind of man (or boy) he is. What women so often forget in all of this is that they have just as much choice as the man does in how they are approached!

For example, let’s say Bob decides to ask Susie out via Facebook. If a man decides to ask a woman out via Facebook, instant message, or even text message, what is the message behind his method? What would possibly make him think that opting for a text message, instead of the more conventional face-to-face approach, would be more romantic and winsome for the woman? He believes the risk of asking you face-to-face outweighs the reward that would come from it. In other words, he is saying, “you are not worth the risk.”

And, believe it or not, there are still women lining up to go on dates with boys like these. This is the biggest mistake women make in dating: they have no idea how to keep the back door locked and play hard-to-get.

Why wouldn’t a woman play hard-to-get? Most will say because they are afraid of sending the ‘wrong’ message and turning the guy off.

Wait. That’s backwards, isn’t it?

The message isn’t ‘wrong.’ The message is actually the ‘right’ message: “Hey, little boy, I’m worth more than a text message. How about you try a little harder next time.” Women, why would you call that the ‘wrong’ message?!

(Perhaps some guys will comment here and also affirm this point for me: challenging guys to work harder is not a turn off. It can actually make the woman even more attractive and challenge us to work harder! Amen, fellas?)

Guys and girls both need to understand that when a woman plays hard-to-get she is not necessarily saying, “no”. She is simply saying, “You’re going to have to do a lot better than that if you’d like to go on a date with a quality woman like me . . . I’m willing to let you try again, though.” Playing hard-to-get is the way a woman politely tells the guy that her back door is locked, but that if he were to come around to the front door she’d be willing to listen.

And that’s where playing hard to get stops. Once the guy is knocking at the front door (whether he came there directly or by the woman’s persuasion), there’s no need for the woman to play hard to get because the man is already working hard.

Want to know what that looks like? The next post will finally cover how a front-door-man asks a quality woman out on a date.


I’m sure the question many of the women are thinking is: “How do I do this hard-to-get thing effectively?” If you’ve seen an example of this or can easily make up a scenario, would you mind sharing your ideas?

Guys, what are some ways women have encouraged you to try harder without turning you off? Ladies, what are some ways that you have challenged guys to try harder that haven’t backfired?