Chapter 2.1 introduced two different ways a guy can approach beginning a dating relationship with a woman: by gaining permission and entering through the front door or by being a coward and sneaking in through the back door. Before outlining the proper way of the front-door-man, it is worth our attention to recognize the slippery ways of the back-door-boy.

Boys have generally three motivations for choosing the back door: fear, laziness and/or ignorance. The ones who are afraid fear rejection more than they desire the woman. Those who are lazy seem to think that women actually want to be around them and all they have to do is show up. The ignorant are that way because they have never thought to ask if there was a better way of asking a woman on a date.

Whatever the motivation, this is what a back-door-boy looks like:

First, he’s a stalker. He’s no criminal, but whatever opportunity he has to watch the woman who has caught his eye he will take it. Popular methods include:

  • Creeping up and down her Facebook profile (and any other information/pictures the girl has made easily accessible)
  • Loitering around at the student center, gym, office, intramural field, or any other place where he knows she will be.
  • Hanging around with Using her friends to find out more about her
  • Attending any event, performance, and/or competition of hers he knows about.

The back-door-boy is a stalker for a few reasons. First, he’s fascinated and enchanted by an attractive woman. Perfectly normal. Second, though, instead of maturing his attraction into a potential date, he takes the easier path of self-indulgence and allows his fascination to remain simply a fantasy. The problem is that he must feed the fascination to keep the fantasy alive. Third, and probably the most likely, is that he hasn’t worked up the guts to ask yet.

Second, he’s a groupie. Once he becomes interested beyond mere self-indulgence, the back-door-boy will somehow make his way into the girl’s circle of friends. He will find a way to make sure his presence around the woman is consistent, safe, and friendly. He will look for opportunities to attend and/or organize group events where he will have the chance to hang out with the woman. Most importantly, while he is pursuing this course, he will begin to show her special attention. For example: always having a compliment ready to offer her every time he sees her (but rarely complimenting the other women she is with), going out of his way to serve/help her with anything (but completely ignoring needs of other women around him – unless they are her friends of course),  and/or ‘just happening to have’ an extra ticket to a performance she’s always wanted to see (offering it to her first instead of his best friend, family, or anyone else).

Third, he’s a trickster. Once the back-door-boy has worked his way into being a regular/normal presence in the woman’s life, he will begin to find ways to take the friendship he has forged to the next level. This, of course, will take the woman completely by surprise because she thought they were just friends. However, he was never interested in friendship to begin with. It was only a means to an end. Watch how sneaky he can be:

  • Tactic #1: Loitering. Anytime the group of friends is hanging out, he will hang out as long as she does. Let’s say that the group is at someone’s house watching a movie. After the movie, the group splits up – some going home to bed and others wanting to stay up and chat. If she stays after the movie to sit around and talk, so will he. The guy is hoping that, eventually, the circumstance might arise where enough people will leave that it will be just the two of them left ‘hanging out.’ Of course, he will take the fact that she isn’t running away from him as a ‘sign’ that she’s interested in him romantically. Once that happens, the boy will either confess his affection for her or, more boldly, simply go in for a kiss.
  • Tactic #2: Treating. Whether out with the group of friends or just so happening to run into her somewhere, the back-door-guy will eventually buy the woman something that is relatively insignificant (drink, ice cream, t-shirt, etc.). He will pass it off as the friendly thing to do and as ‘no big deal.’ If the woman isn’t careful, though, she will find this pattern continuing and, before she knows it, he’ll say, “Now that we’ve been dating for a while now…”
  • Tactic #3: Bait-and-switch: the easiest way a back-door-guy can go on a date with a woman who has no idea she is on a date at the time. He’ll approach her and say that he needs to run an errand and casually ask if she wants to tag along. What was supposed to be a quick trip to Wal-Mart turns into a 4 hour affair after stopping to get something to eat & some dessert on the way home (which, of course, he buys for the woman). Little does she know that she just went on date #1.
  • Tactic #4: Hanging out. This is the closest the back-door-boy comes to asking a woman on a date. Instead of calling it what it is, he will ask or suggest a hang out instead: “Hey, I like coffee too! We should hang out sometime!” How could the woman possibly know that this is a request for a date – especially if she assumes they are friends? Not wanting to shun her friend, the woman will typically say yes to the hang out even though she would have said no to a date.

There are certainly hundreds of other tactics that back-door-boys employ, but I think this paints the picture sufficiently. The biggest mistake boys make in dating is to deliberately find a way to gain access to the house without directly asking the homeowner’s permission.

Sadly, these boys never change their ways because they find homeowners who aren’t radically offended by such behavior . . . which will be the subject of the next post.

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Have you experienced any of these? Can you think of other tactics or descriptions for back-door-boys?