Chapter 2.1 introduced two different ways a guy can approach beginning a dating relationship with a woman: by gaining permission and entering through the front door or by being a coward and sneaking in through the back door. Before outlining the proper way of the front-door-man, it is worth our attention to recognize the slippery ways of the back-door-boy.
Boys have generally three motivations for choosing the back door: fear, laziness and/or ignorance. The ones who are afraid fear rejection more than they desire the woman. Those who are lazy seem to think that women actually want to be around them and all they have to do is show up. The ignorant are that way because they have never thought to ask if there was a better way of asking a woman on a date.
Whatever the motivation, this is what a back-door-boy looks like:
First, he’s a stalker. He’s no criminal, but whatever opportunity he has to watch the woman who has caught his eye he will take it. Popular methods include:
- Creeping up and down her Facebook profile (and any other information/pictures the girl has made easily accessible)
- Loitering around at the student center, gym, office, intramural field, or any other place where he knows she will be.
- Hanging around with Using her friends to find out more about her
- Attending any event, performance, and/or competition of hers he knows about.
The back-door-boy is a stalker for a few reasons. First, he’s fascinated and enchanted by an attractive woman. Perfectly normal. Second, though, instead of maturing his attraction into a potential date, he takes the easier path of self-indulgence and allows his fascination to remain simply a fantasy. The problem is that he must feed the fascination to keep the fantasy alive. Third, and probably the most likely, is that he hasn’t worked up the guts to ask yet.
Second, he’s a groupie. Once he becomes interested beyond mere self-indulgence, the back-door-boy will somehow make his way into the girl’s circle of friends. He will find a way to make sure his presence around the woman is consistent, safe, and friendly. He will look for opportunities to attend and/or organize group events where he will have the chance to hang out with the woman. Most importantly, while he is pursuing this course, he will begin to show her special attention. For example: always having a compliment ready to offer her every time he sees her (but rarely complimenting the other women she is with), going out of his way to serve/help her with anything (but completely ignoring needs of other women around him – unless they are her friends of course), and/or ‘just happening to have’ an extra ticket to a performance she’s always wanted to see (offering it to her first instead of his best friend, family, or anyone else).
Third, he’s a trickster. Once the back-door-boy has worked his way into being a regular/normal presence in the woman’s life, he will begin to find ways to take the friendship he has forged to the next level. This, of course, will take the woman completely by surprise because she thought they were just friends. However, he was never interested in friendship to begin with. It was only a means to an end. Watch how sneaky he can be:
- Tactic #1: Loitering. Anytime the group of friends is hanging out, he will hang out as long as she does. Let’s say that the group is at someone’s house watching a movie. After the movie, the group splits up – some going home to bed and others wanting to stay up and chat. If she stays after the movie to sit around and talk, so will he. The guy is hoping that, eventually, the circumstance might arise where enough people will leave that it will be just the two of them left ‘hanging out.’ Of course, he will take the fact that she isn’t running away from him as a ‘sign’ that she’s interested in him romantically. Once that happens, the boy will either confess his affection for her or, more boldly, simply go in for a kiss.
- Tactic #2: Treating. Whether out with the group of friends or just so happening to run into her somewhere, the back-door-guy will eventually buy the woman something that is relatively insignificant (drink, ice cream, t-shirt, etc.). He will pass it off as the friendly thing to do and as ‘no big deal.’ If the woman isn’t careful, though, she will find this pattern continuing and, before she knows it, he’ll say, “Now that we’ve been dating for a while now…”
- Tactic #3: Bait-and-switch: the easiest way a back-door-guy can go on a date with a woman who has no idea she is on a date at the time. He’ll approach her and say that he needs to run an errand and casually ask if she wants to tag along. What was supposed to be a quick trip to Wal-Mart turns into a 4 hour affair after stopping to get something to eat & some dessert on the way home (which, of course, he buys for the woman). Little does she know that she just went on date #1.
- Tactic #4: Hanging out. This is the closest the back-door-boy comes to asking a woman on a date. Instead of calling it what it is, he will ask or suggest a hang out instead: “Hey, I like coffee too! We should hang out sometime!” How could the woman possibly know that this is a request for a date – especially if she assumes they are friends? Not wanting to shun her friend, the woman will typically say yes to the hang out even though she would have said no to a date.
There are certainly hundreds of other tactics that back-door-boys employ, but I think this paints the picture sufficiently. The biggest mistake boys make in dating is to deliberately find a way to gain access to the house without directly asking the homeowner’s permission.
Sadly, these boys never change their ways because they find homeowners who aren’t radically offended by such behavior . . . which will be the subject of the next post.
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Have you experienced any of these? Can you think of other tactics or descriptions for back-door-boys?
26 comments
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February 16, 2015 at 12:18 AM
Michael
Matt,
I’ve asked a lot of questions before on your blog, and you’ve been very helpful every time. I was wondering what your thoughts are on going out on dates with different girls every week (assuming I’m following the method you’re advocating too). Right now, there are many girls I have some interest in, but I would like to get to know them better to find out if there is any potential for a relationship with any of them.
To some degree, I feel like it would be okay to go on dates with a lot of different girls, assuming I don’t lead any of them on when I’m sure a further relationship isn’t an option. At the same time, I don’t want it to seem like I’m trying to be on the TV show “The Bachelor” by taking 10 girls on dates over several weeks.
In short, do you think it is okay to have dates planned with multiple girls as long as I am intentional with those dates and cut things off when I don’t see potential for marriage/a more defined relationship?
Thanks
February 17, 2015 at 6:26 AM
Matt Lantz
Hi Michael, thanks for your question. Short answer: I would strongly discourage you from going on dates with different girls every week. It cheapens all of the potential relationships and communicates, “None of you are special enough to me to date exclusively.” Some girls may be fine with it, but for the most part, I think you’ll find that women prefer to be pursued by a man who is only pursuing one woman at a time.
January 20, 2014 at 6:11 PM
Chelsea
Oh man this is so helpful. Thank you! This is exactly what I needed right now. But I have a question, what are some ways we can encourage ‘back door boys’ to use the front door? I’m good friends with this one guy and we both like each other but how do I let him know that his back door ways are no longer acceptable? (I’ve totally been enabling them this whole time without knowing it) but now that I know, what can I do to fix the situation?
January 21, 2014 at 9:43 PM
Matt Lantz
Chelsea- Great! So glad it was helpful for you. I try to answer that question in chapter 2.3 by encouraging women to play hard to get when guys are letting themselves in the back door. So, give that post a read and see if that answers your question. If not, let me know and leave another comment! Hope it helps. Best wishes!— Sent from Mailbox for iPad
On Mon, Jan 20, 2014 at 6:11 PM, A Method for Dating
September 16, 2012 at 12:46 PM
Hiiidrology
I’m really learning a lot from this Blook!
Tactic #3 happened to me, I was actually interested in this guy whom I’d met through a mutual friend. I was unclear on his intentions and realized that after agreeing to tag along, then felt uncomfortable for the rest of the nice once realizing what I had gotten myself into. Seeing now, what it really means to go through the front and back door- being clear or unclear on your intentions.
Thanks!
September 16, 2012 at 1:38 PM
Matt Lantz
You’re welcome! Make sure you show him around to the front door next time and maybe you’ll find yourself on a legitimate date!
April 22, 2012 at 6:45 PM
Bryce
Hey Matt. I love the blook and I’ve read most all of it so far. But I do have a question. If you addressed it already in one of the chapters and I just missed it, please tell me. (This does relate to my current situation) I have been talking to a girl for about a year and I had all intentions of just being “friends.” However, a while back something clicked. I suddenly liked her… a lot. Then of course, I find out she is seriously talking to a back door kind of guy and she’s not putting up a fuss. They’re not dating but I saw a picture of them holding hands as they posed for a picture. Also, a month before this I talked to her while I wanted to be “friends” with her and she told me about liking him ever so slightly. I didn’t think much of it at the time. With that being said, you can imagine I was in for a rude awakening. Now I have a dilemma. I want to be the proper, “Front Door Guy” and just tell her that I’ve recently started liking her and want to go out on a date (Which I was going to do until I saw that picture of her and that guy), but I don’t want our friendship to crumble from her liking another guy while I like her. I also don’t want to put her in a stressful situation where she has to choose between two people. However, I don’t want to just sit back and act like nothing ever happened, because that will slowly eat away at me. What do you suggest I do? Thanks for you time.
April 24, 2012 at 8:17 AM
Matt Lantz
Hey Bryce! I could go either way on this one. So, I’ll argue for both sides and you can pick. 🙂
1. You should ask her out anyway. If they’re not dating, then the window of opportunity is still open. You never know how long it will be open or if it will ever be open again.
2. You should wait and ask her out once this guy leaves. On the other hand, if you ask and the girl is hoping the other guy will ask her out, you run the risk of getting a stronger “no” than you would have received had there not been another guy in the picture.
Both options are risky. Personally, I’d recommend waiting. If you guys weren’t friends before and if she hadn’t already confided in you that she kinda likes the other guy, then I might counsel you otherwise. But, given the circumstances, I’d honor her by staying out of the way for the time being.
January 3, 2012 at 12:15 AM
Alli
I’m wondering if there is an appropriate way for a girl to tell a guy that he is taking the back door if this behavior has lead to a few sour friendships. How can a girl tactfully tell the guy that she is hurt by his sudden abandonment of the friendship when it’s his fault that he wasn’t more direct in the first place and the girl doesn’t want to reward “back-door” methods or lose her friend that she still sees all the time?
Thanks!
January 3, 2012 at 8:39 AM
Matt Lantz
Alli- Thanks for your question. It’s an important one to consider for men and women alike. One of the great temptations (and, in my opinion, a shortcoming) of this particular method of dating is the urge to label men as “front-door” or “back-door”. What’s worse is that those labels tend to be pretty sticky. It’s hard for a guy who has a reputation of using the back door to not be branded as such (even if he does try to change his ways).
That being said, my biggest piece of advice to you is not to police the situation. Using the back-door approach is no sin even if it’s not what you prefer. I understand how frustrating it is for women to have a guy who is regularly abandoning friendships. Try not to take out your frustrations on him. Instead, offer him some friendly advice and use that approach rather than an angry “you’re doing it wrong!” type approach. Remember, most guys have never really been taught how to approach a relationship with a woman they find attractive and the “back door” method is pretty popular these days. If he is indeed your friend, make sure you treat him like he is your friend. Hopefully that will allow you to communicate what you’d like for him to hear without endangering the friendship. Perhaps email him a link to this blook, too?
Hope that helps!
December 19, 2011 at 4:19 PM
P.
Wow, this is a really great, comprehensive, resource on an otherwise murky subject. It is really well laid out and has a lot of practical application. Thank you so much for putting this together.
I really wish I had run across this a bit earlier though. Reading this chapter, I realize I’ve been guilty of back-door tactics and that’s ended me up in some awkward situations.
Any tips for guys want to try and transition with a girl from their back-door ways to front door ways?
December 20, 2011 at 10:32 PM
Matt Lantz
Thanks P. Biggest piece of advice is to just get started. So, if there’s a girl in the picture for you right now, it’s time to ask her on a date!
October 13, 2011 at 8:56 PM
owlsofthewild
I think one factor that unfortunately plays into the difficulty with which men use the front door is that so many girls don’t think this way and freak out when ‘this guy I hardly know’ asks her on a date. Also, I think there’s way too much stigma connected with dating in Christian circles – I’ve found that when I ask a girl on a date she automatically jumps to conclusions and says no because she doesn’t see herself marrying me.
Also, while I agree wholeheartedly with what you’re saying – I think there are definitely exceptions to the rule. If a girl’s just gotten out of a relationship, I can hardly think that asking her on a date right then is the most tactful idea. And, also, I’ve been told a lot that asking a girl on a date during her first semester of freshman year in college is a bad idea. But honestly, I don’t know; to be frank I’ve heard so many very wise, Godly but contradictory perspectives on dating that I just get stressed about it all and don’t know what to make of them.
October 15, 2011 at 9:53 PM
Matt Lantz
Thanks for your thoughts. Dating is certainly complicated and even this method isn’t without it’s holes. It’s important for everyone to adapt the method to the particular circumstances (if she is recently out of a relationship, in her first semester of college, etc.). As confusing as the methods for dating may be, it’s important for you to pick one and go with it, though. A method-less approach will be ineffective and probably frustrating. So, since there are plenty to try, pick one and go with it for a while and see what happens.
This method is certainly direct. And, for some women, it may indeed be too direct. Nevertheless, I think the woman will appreciate knowing where you stand because it gives her the chance to respond rather than guess about it. I don’t know of too many women who are offended by being asked out on a date in a flattering way (even if they aren’t interested it’s still flattering).
August 28, 2011 at 8:50 PM
NP
Just thought I’d say that I’m in the ignorant category for having never realized that I’m a just a little kid that has no idea what he’s doing. I appreciate the perspective that this is giving me so
Thank you
August 30, 2011 at 3:18 PM
Matt Lantz
You’re welcome! Excited to hear about how it goes now that you have another way of approaching dating relationships.
August 25, 2011 at 11:46 PM
R.
I hate it when guys do this! You think a guy want to meet you for lunch to hear about your mission trip, then, BOOM flowers. You try to convince yourself that he’s just a really, really thoughtful friend, but should you ever have to wonder if you’ve just been on a date or not? I don’t think so.
August 30, 2011 at 3:16 PM
Matt Lantz
Thanks for the verification! Always good to know how the girls feel about this.
July 26, 2011 at 9:31 PM
Abbey 'Hoot' Lee
…a few of the tactics you mention here are included later when you describe an appropriate method to flirting, where does the line get drawn? How can you tell the difference between a man that is showing special attention in order to flirt or in order to sneak into a romantic relationship?
July 26, 2011 at 9:51 PM
Matt Lantz
Abbey, great question! Thanks for asking. The big key here is that flirting (that is done well) will always lead to an ask shortly thereafter. Flirting that just goes on and on without an ask eventually leads to the back door and ‘sneaking’ into a relationship. The girl needs to recognize flirting for what it is from either type of guy and respond accordingly (based upon whether or not she is interested). Hopefully the guy is a man about it and will shortly ask the woman on a date. Hope that helps!
July 17, 2011 at 9:51 PM
Allison Quick
Texting. It is simply annoying when a boy chooses to text rather than just call. Some texting is sweet and even flirtatious and fun, but when a boy refuses to use verbal communication as his number one method of communicating and resorts to a text message (that can often be misinterpreted), it’s definitely back door.
July 18, 2011 at 5:30 PM
Matt Lantz
Thank you, Allison! Couldn’t agree with you more.
July 25, 2011 at 1:03 AM
Hannah Fletcher
agreed. If this would have been facebook, I would have “liked” it. Texting also hurts the relationship when the foundation is built solely on it because there is no way to read body language or simple mannerisms based on a text message.
June 13, 2011 at 3:31 PM
Abbey 'Hoot' Lee
all those tactics are frequently used to the point of expectancy, so when someone else is genuinely acting as friend, you think they are being a “back-door-boy”, and frankly those boys often end up sending off “creeper” vibes. It’s all just so true! way to hit the nail on the head! love it!:)
June 20, 2011 at 9:49 PM
Matt Lantz
Thanks Abbey and Kylie! Glad you guys are enjoying it so far.
June 11, 2011 at 9:13 PM
Kylie
I cannot handle this.
This blook is blowing my mind.
Soon to be the fastest growing blog ever.
Keep on keeping on.