Attraction does not guarantee relationship. Understanding this fundamental point from chapter 1 will make dating a much more pleasant experience for everyone involved. Though we hope that our feelings of attraction get reciprocated, we can never be fully sure that the other person feels the way we do until someone decides to take action.
And the action that people decide to take has just as much to say about what will become of the relationship in the future as it does about the person taking action.
Where I come from, the person who is responsible to take action is the man. Why the man? There are several good reasons to mention, but they can be controversial and really don’t belong here, so I will mention only the most practical reason I feel we can all identify with. If the man is going to be the ‘head of the house’ once married, then why would the woman want to initiate a relationship with a man who was too lazy (or too cowardly or too disinterested) to initiate with her in the first place?
Remember, your method (or lack thereof) is your message.
So, men, when you have feelings of attraction for a girl and you have decided that you would like to mature those feelings into something more, it’s time to ask the woman on a date. Now, when it comes to asking, there are two types of men in this world: those who use the front door and those who sneak through back.
Let’s compare starting a relationship with a woman to entering someone else’s house for the first time. Who uses the front door of a house? The UPS guy, door-to-door evangelists, your next-door neighbor who wants to borrow a couple eggs, your best friend in town for a visit, creepy salesmen who think you’ll actually buy something from them. In short, everybody except the person who lives in the house uses the front door. The homeowner typically doesn’t use the front door for coming and going. They are typically the only ones who utilize the back door of the home.
The front door is the place where strangers of varying degree ask permission to enter the house. Nobody asks permission to use the back door because the only people who use it belong in the house because the house belongs to them.
If things were switched around, you might come home to the UPS guy sitting on your couch, watching your television, eating your cocoa puffs who, upon seeing you, says, “Oh, I’m glad you’re home! I’ve come to deliver a package to you. Just thought I’d make myself at home until you got back.”
Horribly, this is how too many men decide to approach women they find attractive; they sneak in the back door and pretend they belong there in hopes the lady will go along with the idea.
Equally as disturbing are the number of women who don’t seem to have a problem with this; they’re just glad to see someone in the house.
In the dating world, there are men who out of respect and honor for the women they wish to pursue will use the front door, asking permission to be invited into the intimate living space of a woman’s life. On the other hand, there are men who out of fear or laziness let themselves in through the back door of the home because they don’t like the idea of rejection or the hard work of pursuit.
Guys, I know what you’re thinking: “I’m not that guy.”
“How do you know you’re no different than that UPS guy,” I ask?
“Because I try to become friends with the girl before I ask her on a date. That means I’m welcome in the house.”
“No it doesn’t.”
“Yes it does!”
“Do you let your friends just walk in the back door of your house without asking, without knocking?”
“Well . . . no.”
“Friendship is perhaps the number one way guys use the back door.”
“What?! I thought you were supposed to be friends first! How else is the girl supposed to know if she wants to say yes when I ask her? How am I supposed to know I want to date her to begin with?”
“Cowardice has a favorite hiding place behind noble intentions.”
“Excuse me?!”
“Any man who is pursuing a dating relationship by first befriending the woman is a coward and probably cares more for himself than he does the woman. Whenever that’s the case, he’s using the back door.”
“Them’s fightin words, mister.”
“Indeed.”
We’ll consider this dialogue further in chapter 2.2.
19 comments
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September 21, 2014 at 1:03 AM
Click Here
Very well said, although some men would still prefer to befriend a woman they are interested dating. Good read and thanks for sharing, can’t wait for the next chapter! – Ritter
August 30, 2014 at 5:48 PM
Cheri
Excellent blook….thought provoking, refreshing, genuine, needed, God-focused. Thank you. Love this creative approach to interactive writing of a blook!
September 1, 2014 at 9:29 PM
Matt Lantz
Thank you, Cheri! Really do appreciate your kind words. Glad you have enjoyed it!
On Sat, Aug 30, 2014 at 5:48 PM, A Method for Dating wrote:
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September 7, 2013 at 11:53 PM
Parker
Hey Matt, I just wanted to say thanks for taking the initiative to post REAL material on how to pursue a mature guy girl relationship. This blook has really helped me clear many questions I had about my search for a young lady. Its been a hard and discouraging couple of months in my search… until last night. I was at a local festival that is held monthly in my hometown, getting ready to watch one of my favorite local bands play. Before the show started, I was venturing through the streets to get to the stage, and when I arrived there was this stunning young woman standing with a group of friends near a tree. While I was waiting for the show to start, I kept catching myself glancing to see if she was still there. Finally, when the show started to get underway, I noticed her walking away, not knowing where she was going (just so you know, I am very involved with the music scene in my town and I like to stand at the front of the crowd to show support for my friends, not trying to be a creep or anything) she disappeared into a passing crowd. So by then the show started, so I made my way to the front of the stage and lo and behold she’s standing four feet away from me. While the band was playing their set, I recognized and confronted my attraction for her and was talking my self into asking her on a date after the show. So finally the show ended and I was as nervous as a cat on a tin roof but still had some sort of confidence that I can’t explain. I just felt really lead to ask her for a name. So as her and her friends were walking away, my feet just started moving. Like I said, I didn’t know what I was doing exactly but I knew I HAD to do it whatever it was! So as I approached the group of women, I politely asked if I could ask her a quick question. She said sure, which made me really nervous really quick. I continued with introducing myself and she reciprocated by doing the same. I just told her blatantly that she was very beautiful and would like to get lunch or some coffee sometime. Without me even asking, she asked if I would take her number (my intentions were to ask for it but she beat me to the punch). Ever since last night, i’ve had butterflies in my stomach. All day today i’ve been trying to clear my mind and see if it was just immature emotions but the feeling remains.
I have questions on how long to wait before I call her. I was thinking at least two or three days but I have no idea. Also, was telling a total stranger that she is very beautiful, an acceptable “move” or was that just plain creepy. Could you help me out?
September 8, 2013 at 12:07 AM
Matt Lantz
Parker- Woah! That is such a cool story! Way to go; I would have counseled you to do that very same thing. Nicely done! So neat to hear about a guy sticking his neck out for a girl he finds attractive. Who knows if it will amount to anything, but way to take the initiative. At the very least she must have felt flattered and honored by your request – even if she’s not interested.
But here’s the thing; she offered you her number before you asked for it, so I’d say that’s a pretty good sign that you don’t need to be second guessing your approach or when to call her. I’d wait a day or two at most, but go ahead and give her a call and set up the date!
Best wishes to you! Even if it doesn’t pan out, I hope that this approach has felt better than past attempts and gives you courage to keep trying!
September 8, 2013 at 12:27 AM
Parker
Thanks Matt! I appreciate it. God bless!
January 21, 2012 at 8:01 PM
Alexander Pendragon
I’m not so sure that what you’re saying is right. Starting things slowly with a friendship is hardly a coward’s way. It’s just a smart way. If I find myself incredibly attracted to someone, it would be best if I make sure that they’re not an utter …. well, something. To make sure of a person’s personality before you date them means that you’re dating for more than superficial reasons. You’re also lessening the likelihood that you’ll stumble from one lustful relationship to another. What are your thoughts?
January 21, 2012 at 11:25 PM
Matt Lantz
Alexander- Thanks for your thoughts. As I continue to say here, this is only one way of going about the process of dating. This happens to be the way that I wish I would have gone about it and the way that I think might be helpful for others as well. So, I’m not trying to suggest that my way is necessarily ‘right’ or ‘best’. I just think that it might work and work well.
Making friends with someone before you date them is no guarantee that you will make sure they are not an utter ‘something’. If friendship becomes only a means of pre-dating, then, how is that not just as superficial as taking someone out on a date that you don’t know very well? A date is just a date. In fact, it can be less intimate than some friendships can become before a date ever happens (I’ve seen friends stumble from one lustful friendship to another too).
Here’s the problem: how should a guy who doesn’t know a girl (that he finds attractive) very well go about the process of getting to know her better? Should he become her friend and, then, if she checks out ask her on a date? Or, should he take her out and then decide? I’ve chosen the latter because it goes back to the original reason the man is initiating with the woman: attraction. I just don’t think men should feign friendship when what they are really after is a possible relationship.
Those are my thoughts. We may have a difference of opinion, but I feel that the best course of action for the man is to be direct with his intentions.
October 3, 2011 at 2:10 PM
Kaitlin
Matt,
Two weeks ago I witnessed my roommate being pursued by a front door guy! I recommended sh read your blook. She read it, and was able to appreciate this gentlemen and his method more. From watching her real life experience and reading your blook, I had committed to waiting for a front door guy.
Right after that commitment, the Lord winked at me… A front door guy comes walking into my life. He said that he wanted to be “intentional” (love that word) and let me know that he likes me. He then proceeded to ask me on a date. There was no hiding behind the friend zone or beating around the bush. With all that being said, I have a question: Is it necessary for a guy to call the father of the lady he is interested in first and ask the father’s permission to take her on a date?
October 4, 2011 at 6:47 AM
Matt Lantz
Kaitlin-
Thanks so much for sharing those stories! It’s neat to hear that it’s helped both you and your friend!
I would say it’s necessary for the guy to talk to the father before the first date if the woman is younger than 18 years old. If not, I don’t think it’s necessary before the first date. However, I would recommend for the guy to talk to the father sometime around or shortly after the first DTR.
Hope that helps!
October 22, 2011 at 2:26 PM
Kaitlin
Thank you!
June 20, 2011 at 4:12 PM
Amanda Bobo
Matt,
I really appreciate what you’re trying to do with this blook. I think this post is great at pointing out the cowardliness of using the friendship excuse. I’ve never really looked at it as a coward move before this post. But if I really think about it: if a guy is genuinely attracted to a girl, why would he ever consider trying to simply be her friend? Aren’t all guys afraid of being placed in the “friend zone” by a girl they like? I feel like using the “back” door opens guys up to the dreaded friend zone. What are your thoughts?
I look forward to the future posts.
Amanda
June 20, 2011 at 9:44 PM
Matt Lantz
Thanks for the feedback, Amanda! You raise an excellent point, too! I think guys realize that they want to avoid the ‘friend-zone’, but they have no other idea of how to begin the relationship so they have to hope they are able to make it through to the other side (rather than avoiding it altogether). If a guy is attracted to a girl and pursues a friendship with her in hopes that they will eventually end up in a relationship, that is most certainly a back door approach. He’s not interested in friendship at all. He must resort to trickery to win the woman; and no woman wants to be won that way. I tell guys that the moment they realize they are attracted enough to a girl and they want to take her on a date – they should. No shopping around, no stalking, trying to become her friend; none of that. Just take her to dinner (a much better way to see if she’s someone you want to continue to date)!
Glad you’re enjoying the blook. Thanks for your comment!
June 15, 2011 at 5:29 PM
Cathie Jerry
Matt,
I definitely agree that faking that you’re only interested in a friendship when you’re really interested in more is wrong. So, I have a few random questions floating around in my head – Instead of “pursuing friendship,” Instead, should the guy intentionally get to know the girl at social gatherings, church, whenever they’re in the same place together (by making conversation, learning a little bit about her), and then after he gets to know her enough (sees enough in her that he likes), ask her out on a date? Or is there another method that you think would be healthier? (I like how you used that word to replace “better”)
Thank you so much for taking the time to lend your ideas.
Cathie
June 15, 2011 at 11:16 PM
Matt Lantz
Cathie-
Thanks for your question! I’m hoping to answer that very question in this chapter (at least how the first date should happen). I like your ideas and even agree with you. However, I would go so far to say that there wouldn’t even need to be any ‘surveillance’ prior to the asking (for the guy anyway). I’ll explain what I mean in forthcoming posts. Hopefully I’ll be able to pick up my writing pace next week.
Thanks for reading!
June 16, 2011 at 1:20 AM
R. Seth Thibodeaux
Haha. “Surveillance.” Been there. Done that. Matt, you’re totally letting the cat out the bag for the chicks in this blook, man. Not cool. Not cool. HAHA!
June 17, 2011 at 11:51 AM
Matt Lantz
It’s for your own good, Seth. I promise! 🙂
June 11, 2011 at 12:12 AM
R. Seth Thibodeaux
This is an interesting post. You’re saying we (guys) should just pursue and not worry about friendship, which I think is accurate. I’ve had close girl friends in my less mature days, hoping for something more and even being so brave as to tell them as much, but we see how that worked out (horribly). However, and I may be getting ahead of you, but in the, what I would call successful, marriages I have seen the spouses are first and foremost just really, really good friends within the context of their marriage. So I guess that friendship has to develop after dating has started. Those are my observations and such.
June 11, 2011 at 7:41 AM
Matt Lantz
Seth-
I think you’re right. Friendship that develops after the romantic intentions have been stated is much healthier than feigning friendship just to get a date. It is horrible indeed. The development of friendships between men and women is mysterious enough to merit its own separate blog. It will inevitably happen, though, and sometimes romantic thoughts / attraction will occur without prior intention. Whatever the case, the sooner the guy makes his true intentions known the healthier (not necessarily better) it will be for both the guy and the girl.
Thanks for your observations. Keep em coming!