Attraction does not guarantee relationship. Understanding this fundamental point from chapter 1 will make dating a much more pleasant experience for everyone involved. Though we hope that our feelings of attraction get reciprocated, we can never be fully sure that the other person feels the way we do until someone decides to take action.

And the action that people decide to take has just as much to say about what will become of the relationship in the future as it does about the person taking action.

Where I come from, the person who is responsible to take action is the man. Why the man? There are several good reasons to mention, but they can be controversial and really don’t belong here, so I will mention only the most practical reason I feel we can all identify with. If the man is going to be the ‘head of the house’ once married, then why would the woman want to initiate a relationship with a man who was too lazy (or too cowardly or too disinterested) to initiate with her in the first place?

Remember, your method (or lack thereof) is your message.

So, men, when you have feelings of attraction for a girl and you have decided that you would like to mature those feelings into something more, it’s time to ask the woman on a date. Now, when it comes to asking, there are two types of men in this world: those who use the front door and those who sneak through back.

Let’s compare starting a relationship with a woman to entering someone else’s house for the first time. Who uses the front door of a house? The UPS guy, door-to-door evangelists, your next-door neighbor who wants to borrow a couple eggs, your best friend in town for a visit, creepy salesmen who think you’ll actually buy something from them. In short, everybody except the person who lives in the house uses the front door. The homeowner typically doesn’t use the front door for coming and going. They are typically the only ones who utilize the back door of the home.

The front door is the place where strangers of varying degree ask permission to enter the house. Nobody asks permission to use the back door because the only people who use it belong in the house because the house belongs to them.

If things were switched around, you might come home to the UPS guy sitting on your couch, watching your television, eating your cocoa puffs who, upon seeing you, says, “Oh, I’m glad you’re home! I’ve come to deliver a package to you. Just thought I’d make myself at home until you got back.”

Horribly, this is how too many men decide to approach women they find attractive; they sneak in the back door and pretend they belong there in hopes the lady will go along with the idea.

Equally as disturbing are the number of women who don’t seem to have a problem with this; they’re just glad to see someone in the house.

In the dating world, there are men who out of respect and honor for the women they wish to pursue will use the front door, asking permission to be invited into the intimate living space of a woman’s life. On the other hand, there are men who out of fear or laziness let themselves in through the back door of the home because they don’t like the idea of rejection or the hard work of pursuit.

Guys, I know what you’re thinking:  “I’m not that guy.”

“How do you know you’re no different than that UPS guy,” I ask?

“Because I try to become friends with the girl before I ask her on a date. That means I’m welcome in the house.”

“No it doesn’t.”

“Yes it does!”

“Do you let your friends just walk in the back door of your house without asking, without knocking?”

“Well . . . no.”

“Friendship is perhaps the number one way guys use the back door.”

“What?! I thought you were supposed to be friends first! How else is the girl supposed to know if she wants to say yes when I ask her? How am I supposed to know I want to date her to begin with?”

“Cowardice has a favorite hiding place behind noble intentions.”

“Excuse me?!”

“Any man who is pursuing a dating relationship by first befriending the woman is a coward and probably cares more for himself than he does the woman. Whenever that’s the case, he’s using the back door.”

“Them’s fightin words, mister.”


We’ll consider this dialogue further in chapter 2.2.